Saturday, 23 November 2013


Why does things have to become more difficult before Christmas?
Why does he have to make me feel upset and sad?
Why can't I feel happy and forget my past?

My abusive step father is coming back that I originally in my mind put him away like he was dead.
Things will have to change soon, now I feel shaken and unstable, frightened with hatred, upset like I am drowning in water, lost and cold again like I was when I were younger. 

I can't keep living life like this all the time, now I remember the three men that physically, mentally and emotionally abused me.
I can't sleep at night very well, I just keep thinking how bad things will end, I keep thinking that my brother will get hurt or abused like I did and my older brother.

You can not protect and save everyone you wish to, You can not stop yourself from seeing his evil eyes that repeats rapidly in your mind, they watch you sleep, haunt you in your dreams, nothings going to get better and your life will never been the same.
You will always feel ashamed or want to go insane but nothing will help even if you call him so many names.

You get reminded everyday of them men, the hurtful pain; the memories will forever remain as your life sadly drains.
You can never forgive them, never want to see them and never want to believe in them or even look up to them.

You remind yourself everyday to stay positive you'll get through this but no they never will.
You drown in your own tears all day because they won't leave you alone.
I do not know what to do, to face him again because I have to, I have no choice!

Counseling helps but then you are back to square one when you here his name, see his picture then one day you thought you defeated that person who used to be your father.
Now I just have to stay strong and not cry tears when I face him or even show him my fears.